EP 41: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence with Susan Omilian, JD

Susan Omilian, JD is an attorney, award-winning author, motivational speaker and recognized national expert who has advocated to end violence against women for the past forty years. 

In the 1970s, she founded a rape crisis center and represented battered women in divorce proceedings in the early 1980s. She litigated sex discrimination cases including helping to articulate the legal concept that made sexual harassment illegal in the 1990s. With the death of her nineteen-year-old niece Maggie, who was shot and killed in October 1999 by her ex-boyfriend, Susan’s work became more personal and immediate. 

Today, Susan is the originator and facilitator of My Avenging Angel Workshops based on the idea that “living well is the best revenge” that have helped hundreds of women who have been abused to take the journey from victim to survivor to thriver.

Co-hosts Deb Timmerman and Barb Fletcher are certified HeartMath® Trainers, and certified stress educators, who are skilled at helping people discover the power of living from the heart.  

Transcript

SPEAKERS

Barb Fletcher, Susan Omilian, Deb Timmerman

Deb Timmerman  00:00

You're listening to the less stress in life podcast. Your hosts, Deb Timmerman and Barb Fletcher are on a mission to help individuals and organizations manage stress and change. Together, they bring you real conversations, inspirational stories, and strategies to help move you from being stressed to feeling your best. Good morning, everyone.  I'm Deb Timmerman. Welcome to our series of 52 Practical Tools for Less Stress in Life. This is episode 41.

Barb Fletcher  00:34

I'm Barb Fletcher. Our goal is to give you tools and strategies to help you move from being stressed to feeling your best. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and our guest is Susan Omilian. Susan is an attorney, award winning author, motivational speaker and recognized national expert who has advocated to end violence against women for the past 40 years. In the 1970s, she founded a rape crisis center and represented battered women in divorce proceedings. In the early 1980s, she litigated sex discrimination cases, including helping to articulate the legal concept that made sexual harassment illegal. In the 1990s, with the death of her 19 year old niece Maggie, who was shot and killed in October 1999 by her ex boyfriend, Susan's work became more personal and immediate. Today, Susan is the originator and facilitator of My Avenging Angel workshops. Based on the idea that living well is the best revenge that can help hundreds of women who have been abused to take the journey from victim to survivor to survivor. Susan's books include a trilogy of self help workbooks, (In the Thrivers Zone Series) and three novels, the best revenge series inspired by the true event of her niece's story.

Deb Timmerman  02:06

Welcome, Susan.

Susan Omilian  02:08

Thank you. It's great to be here.

Deb Timmerman  02:10

You have quite a history working in the field of domestic violence and women's rights. How did Maggie's death lead you to the work that you do today and how is that that you can take something so personal and make it now your life's work?

Susan Omilian  02:31

That's a really good question. I think I'm still trying to move through that journey. I think Maggie's is death brought me to work that I don't think I would have gotten to without that happening, which sounds really awful. Like, right. I didn't want what happened to my knees to happen, but I think that it's an opportunity that I had to move my work to a deeper level. and I had worked with women for many years who had come through domestic violence and sexual assault and usually, as you know, it's kind of a combination of trauma histories. You know, it's sort of I work with women, their presenting problem may be a domestic violence relationship but if you ask them two or more questions, you start to see a progression, usually starting from childhood. So there's a recognition that there's something deeper. It's a deeper spiritual journey. And I don't mean that to say religious, but the idea that your spirit, a part of you that can't die, is immortal, can go through many struggles and in those struggles, you have to figure out how to move through them. And sometimes we get stuck in those struggles. So I decided I wasn't going to get stuck when Maggie was killed. I decided that I was very angry and felt guilty about what had happened to her that I had information and, I couldn't save her. And, and so I don't know it. I think the other piece was that I, the man who killed my niece also killed himself. So I didn't have, remember, I'm an attorney, I had that criminal justice kind of sense of, okay, somebody does something horrible like this, and you prosecute them and make sure he doesn't hurt somebody again. Well, that was sort of taken away, which was probably a good thing. Because to go through the criminal justice system, and get any kind of revenge is, or closure is the word people try to use is probably not going to happen. So that's where I got living well as the best revenge. and that's what really took me to that place. And so I was going to find a way to avenge her death that if I couldn't help Maggie and nobody could help Maggie. I was going to help somebody else to take that journey that she couldn't take and that's really how it evolved. I'm not a social worker, I'm not a clinician. So I didn't really have a sense of what that all meant in terms of what I would do. But slowly, the idea of working with women at that level through a workshop is where I, where I started. Now, 20 years ago,

Deb Timmerman  05:16

You mentioned not being able to save Maggie, were there signs along the way? Or were you trying to enlighten Maggie that there was an abusive relationship, and she wasn't engaging or listening to that?

Susan Omilian  05:29

Yeah, it was kind of a combination of things. He never basically assaulted her before he killed her. and although that's only one of the warning signs, it's usually the one that has the blinking red lights going off. Maggie was very smart. She knew about abuse. She was also very, she's a problem solver. She was gonna go solve this problem all by herself. because the school she was a she was a college student at a very good college in the Midwest, actually and they had nothing in place. This is 20 years ago.  Wwhen I got on the campus, after she was killed and handed out the warning signs to a group of young women. They all said, Oh my God, everything on this list happened. But we didn't have words for it. So we have more words for it. Today, we have words like coercive control, which has been something the last couple of years not only has come into the vernacular, but also into the law. And so that kind of manipulation that he did.She broke up with him, she called it mature, and he wouldn't let her go. And that wishes. What are the warning signs? I think the clearest warning sign was that he wasn't he, he wasn't going to let go of the relationship and he was pushing the relationship too far too fast. And she didn't know he had a gun. Supposedly, nobody knew he'd bought the gun except the gun store owner who had no obligation to call the college and tell them that somebody with a college dormitory address, had bought a gun. And so she went there one more time, I think to tell him to leave her alone into his dorm room, and he killed her and killed himself. So there were warning signs along the way but they were much more subtle. And I think because she thought nobody on that campus, which was probably true at the time, I was going to help her because there were no bruises and no marks that she had a saw the problem all by herself.

Barb Fletcher  07:34

The marks aren't always on the skin are they?

07:38

Right? Yeah. So it was kind of a confluence of things that made it clear that not only the ability to stop that, you know, laid on a bunch of people's doorsteps, but I don't think that that was what was going to happen in that moment. So

Barb Fletcher  07:56

In the journey through identifying the you know, the victim, to survivor to thriver. Can you talk a little bit about that? And is that a linear journey? Or does it sometimes circle back? What does that look like?

Susan Omilian  08:12

Yeah, thank you. That's some of this is based on my own personal experience, although my personal experience has been more through Maggie's experience or the aftermath of it. But also working with women now for 20 years, I work with them, I have a workshop, and then I continue to work with them, if they if they choose to come to a monthly. So I've watched them some of these women over 20 years  and not only the women, but also their children. I've watched their children grow up. So it's been really interesting because we children who were witnesses of domestic violence, tend to either be perpetrators themselves when they grow up or victims. So that's a journey in itself. But I think it's nonlinear. That's a really good, I'm glad you said that word. I try to use it. Sometimes it's women. I don't think that we stay in one place. I know today I'm thriving, because I'm talking to you guys about the work I do and this is great. But I can push myself back. Something can happen that will push me back and sometimes it's like Karwan start. It's not like a big, you know, spiritual moment. It's just like, Oh, God, another struggle here.  My niece was murdered in October, October 17. So I know that dates gonna pull me back, Maggie and I also share a birthdate. We have the same birthday. That pulls me back. So I always say that, you know, I'm going to be pulled back there. I just have learned how long do I want to stay there? Is it going to be 10 minutes to remember and mourn or just grieve it or just feel sad for a while or in terms of being pulled back into that grief? Or am I going to be pulled into the struggle that's going to you know, continue to make me feel like I'm not worthy, and I can't do it, or am I going to keep moving? So I think I think you can't avoid being pulled back. But for me, it's more of like little life struggles. For the women that I work with, they're pulled back by litigation on child custody. Suddenly, he's gonna decide he's gonna pull back and I got those kids and on and make it crazy. So that pulls them back to that relationship and how you stay there for shorter periods of time, not only physically, like in the moment, but how do you how do you readjust your brain so that you don't have that negative voice in your head saying, See, I told you. I told you, this is all your fault. And you know, you're not good enough and smart enough. So yeah.  I think the other thing about the journey is that when I, when we come into the workshop, one of the exercises I do is to help them see that through our journey. They're not always they are on a our journey. They didn't they think it's just about victimization their whole life. I've been a victim my whole life. Oh, you mean, I can do like do more than survive? So they tell me they're really good survivors. And and they pat themselves in the back? Isn't that great? You know, like, well, that's a lot of energy, you know, going around that little circle victim to survive. Let's see if we can go over here and see what thriving is like. And they're kind of fascinated, like, there's a word for it. And I want to go there and what it looks like for them, and how, and I think also how it feels for them.

Deb Timmerman  11:27

So you guide them through a process and mentioned Seven Steps to Thriving. How do you use those steps to help them move along that path? And maybe just share those steps with us?

Susan Omilian  11:41

Yep. Well, there's seven steps. I don't know why there's seven and not eight. Seven came to me. I'm a writer, more than anything, and I'm a creative person. So I don't know. So you know, sometimes these things come to you. I don't know how all that came to me. but it was clear to me that there were things that had helped me even before Maggie was killed and so then when I applied myself, that I found that these are things that I was doing there. There's also I also devised or put together an exercise for each one of these steps. So the first step is see your journey, which was I was talking about that this help the women see. I didn't know I was on a journey. So it's it every I use story, I use children's stories or fairy tales. As kids, we learn stories to learn lessons. And so we learned as very young children, depending on where you were in what your culture and what the stories were. We learned that there's always going to be a struggle. In a story in someone's life and a story, there's going to be a moment of transformation, and there's going to be the happy ending. I love Cinderella. So it took me years to figure out what amount of Cinderella because she struggled. And then there was this transformation her, you know, the pumpkin became the coach and the rags became the beautiful gown. And then there was a happy ending, not just that she found the prince, which was sort of the 1950s interpretation of Cinderella. But then she completed herself and she found a complete life. So we all know these stories, they come to us as children, that we forget that that's the journey. So that's really the first step and then to begin to take apart the other pieces. So the second step is to quiet the inner critic, the negative voice in your head, that tells you you're not good enough that usually the abuser has taken up and somehow knows how to use that against you. And then connecting with the part of you the happy person inside that's step three, that's been untouched by all that has ever happened to you like everything, nothing has been everything has been to no known party untouched. And then to take that part of you and start to vision. I have a motivational model that begins to put in place positive energy. visioning a new life, overcoming your fears. What's that the thoughts in your head that hold you back? Not things,  physical safety is a thing but but thoughts? I have a fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, how can you talk yourself out of that. And then finally, to set some new goals. And the women that come to my workshop tend to have goals but they're stuck somewhere. So get back to work. Get a better job. I have women who started their own business started singing again, but bought a house, gone back to school. So really, those seven steps are a motivational model to get them moving again and to begin, mostly to quiet down that negative voice in their head. And to really, for many of them start their life again, which has been interrupted by domestic violence, sexual assault, or has never really blossomed because of a long history of trauma. And that journey is really exciting to watch. It's sometimes transformational, in front of my eyes, I can see their faces change their whole, their whole being sort of like, I don't know, I guess it's like sleeping duty waking up to some idea that there's something else out for the out there for them. And they've been conditioned through maybe through years of trauma, that there isn't anything good for them, or there's always going to be a struggle and they can change that.

Barb Fletcher  15:24

I think what I enjoy the most is that you're actually seeing those people waking up and then what I really appreciate as well is that opportunity for those women to actually sustain and reinforce that with those monthly sessions that you spoke of because it is easy, if the journey is not linear, it is easy to slip back. And without the right support, we can spend more time than we like in some of those less than healthy things. 

Susan Omilian  15:57

well, and also less productive, you know, it's like we want to be productive, mostly really well is the best revenge, that's what I always say to them, the one thing you're never going to get, that guy's probably not going to change. I mean, I've done after Maggie was killed, I started doing so I did for 15 years, I did offender groups with men who are arrested for domestic violence and you know, bless their hearts, they're on their own journey, and they've got a lot of trauma in their lives, but they're really not going to change in many significant way, not by the force of you of your partner, as a partner, they may make their own internal changes and decisions. But even the criminal justice system can usually can't push them through that. So you're on your own here and you can make decisions not only for yourself, but for your children to break that cycle. And it may be cycling through from your, from your parents or grandparents, you know, other other relationships that you've seen has not been successful over the years. So yeah, it's really that choice. And that choice is what I offer them. And it's not an easy choice. I mean, I can take them to the brink of it. But I think the thing is about my monthly program, and I was pretty clear about that when I started the workshops, that I didn't want to just have a two day workshop and say, Oh, it's nice meeting you. Thanks. I want it to continue and I think  first of all that they recognize now they're thrivers, and now have a community around them. And they start to role model for each other. So I have had women in my group for 15-20 years. And so if you come into my group now it's like, oh, that's what it looks like 15 years from now. Look what she's been doing and if she can do that, I can, I can start to think about my goals, and use that energy. So I think it's finding women that have had a common experience, a horrible experience, and in fact, I don't have them tell their abuse story. In my group. I purposely do that so that we're not focused on that. Plus that will all make us cry and I get triggered really fast. So so it's, it's so it's we started a new story. And so the story that they tell in the group is their success stories, and how they've been able, as you said, Barbara to sustain that feeling. And yes, they do come once a month, or we also have retreats and annual events, and we have a holiday party. Just to find that space, and where it's the judgment free zone and there's no, there's no comparisons. The only thing we talk about is positivity and what's your success. And also go back over, how do you manage your inner critic?  How do you keep your goals going? I've been I always have a vision session vision vision board in January. So we set goals for each year, and then try to set milestones and, and work together as a community. They really liked that. Now that I'm doing it virtually I've women from all over the country and even parts of I've had a woman from South Africa come on recently. So we're building an international community

Deb Timmerman  19:13

For the month of October and November. I understand that you're offering your workshops free of charge for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Can you talk more about that, but

Susan Omilian  19:24

Well, the workshops are always free. And was really clear about that. This is not having worked with women particularly coming through divorce. Even the wealthiest women that I worked with, although I used to work in a divorce, my divorce practice was actually legal aid. So most of my women didn't have a lot of money but they don't have access to money. This is this is not a luxury item. So they're always free. I have a nonprofit that supports me and all my programs are free even the follow ups and during October it's important because one of the things That kind of, it's important, it's helpful that there's domestic violence awareness out there for people who need to know that and to support people. But it's also a difficult month for most of us, because there's all this talk about. So suddenly that, you know, the world's woken up and oh my gosh, and met my niece was murdered in October. So which is doesn't seem to be a coincidence. In some ways. I don't know how that works. But so it really is an intensive. So I do actually do the workshops four times a year, I do them twice in once in October, November, twice in the fall, and then twice in the, in the spring, in February, and March. And then I have workshops, and I have monthly follow ups in between the workshop used to be in person, and now I've been doing it virtually, which has been kind of interesting. I still have been able to get the energy across, I think it's more energy that I transmit that I the words, or the words or communication that it's the energy, they suddenly see somebody who's gone through something horrible and who's got energy, and is taking that energy and helping them be productive. And free is important. Because I think, if it's not free, I mean, I've worked in nonprofits my whole life. But the idea that there's some amount of money for many of the women, it's between the right come to a workshop that cause it's going to cost me X and even like $25, or do I feed my kid? So that's a choice that they have to make on a different level. So I free up that choice.

Deb Timmerman  21:34

And where do they find you? How do they sign up and register?

Susan Omilian  21:37

So they can pre register on my website, which is myavengingangel.com. Or they can call the number that's also listed there and it's a pretty simple process. It's a two day workshop. It's two sessions, it's two Saturdays, it is not like one of those virtual workshops these days that you can sort of listen to when you're doing something else. It is an interactive workshop, and I do exercises, we do arts and crafts, I actually now, because I'm virtual, I do mail out materials, which they kind of like It's like Christmas, you get a box in the mail, and kinds of good stuff, and it's so so you have free is really important to me. And now that it's virtual, it's really been able to free them up from transportation issues or childcare issues or, or even just, you know, I gotta get somewhere and I don't know how to get there. All the things that would hold you back a little bit, bushels, also a little hard, because they don't always have great technology available. But we know somehow we get to the middle there.

Deb Timmerman  22:37

So here's our call to action this week, it's for you to be aware of what the signs of domestic violence are. As Barb said, those wounds are not always physical. There are other things like controlling and checking your phone and doing all kinds of things. We'll make a post and put all of those pieces of awareness on our Facebook pages for you. ao that you can be aware and recognize. Susan are there Domestic Violence Awareness hotlines, they can call if they're in immediate danger? 

Susan Omilian  23:12

Yeah, there's a National Domestic Violence Hotline, if you if you Google it, it'll come up, they'll come up with a pop up. They can not only do some crisis intervention stuff, but they can also tap into the resources. There are free programs throughout the country and throughout the world that do include shelters, although many women don't either go to a shelter or need a shelter, but they do prices, intervention, their support groups. There's a whole lot of stuff before in fact, many women that come to me have gone through those programs, not only domestic violence, but sexual assault. So those are really important programs. They are free of charge. And they are life saving. There's no question about it. So National Domestic Violence Hotline will get you that information.

Deb Timmerman  23:55

Barb, is there one for Canada as well?

Barb Fletcher  23:58

I'm sure there is. And I will have a look and make sure that that gets posted as well.

Susan Omilian  24:04

Yeah, I do have a list of warning signs that I have posted on my website. And I've used on a regular basis. It's based on the Duluth model, which is one of the domestic violence paradigms that was put together many years ago, I'm always reminded that there was a time in my life where there weren't domestic violence hotlines and domestic violence shelter, and we didn't have these warning signs. So it's really interesting not only to know about it in your own personal life, but it might help a friend because sometimes it's the friend who's going to see it more than you're going to see it. One of the things that people men who are abusive will do is isolate you from your family and friends, because they're the ones who are going to see it better than you. So it's also trying to help a friend. And now that there's resources out there.