Finding Your Purpose in the Unexpected

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball which creates the space for a new business or role in the community. In this episode, Registered Nurse, Karen Lake joins us to chat about moving from employee to independent Caregiving Consultant and the special passion she discovered to  support, guide, and directing Caregivers to be the best they can be in their caregiving role, by helping them make informed choices and confidently navigate the complex issues that come with caring for a family member.

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SPEAKERS

Barb Fletcher, Karen Lake, Deb Timmerman

 Key Words: Stress, Overwhelm, Support, Caregiver, Passion

Deb Timmerman  00:01

You're listening to less stress in life. With host, Debra Timmerman and Barb Fletcher, we believe life with less stress and more energy is possible with the right tools, strategies and knowledge. So we bring your real conversations around the stress of relationships, money, and the daily hassles of life. With guests that inspire, challenge, entertain, and motivate you to take action.

Barb Fletcher  00:28

Welcome, welcome. Welcome. My name is Barb Fletcher. And I am here with Deb Timmerman, and our special guest today is Karen Lake. Karen is a registered nurse, caregiving consultant and a care navigator with a special passion for supporting, guiding and directing caregivers to be the best they can be in their caregiving roles. She helps him make informed choices to be prepared and to competently navigate the complex issues that come with caring for family members. And that's a tall order. Welcome, Karen.

Karen Lake  01:11

Thank you for thank you for the nice introduction.

Barb Fletcher  01:15

So Karen, tell us a little bit about what led you to do the work that you do today?

Karen Lake  01:22

Well, I've been a registered nurse for a long time in 1989, that I graduated from u MB. And I was just recently back on campus and did an interview with you, I was the alumni representative. So I was there with some with a new graduate with one of the professors. And it was hard to believe that it had been that long that I started typically dabbling in the different areas that we do in search of trying to find our our thing. And I did work in a few different areas for sure. Heavy hospital units, oncology, surgery, rehab, communicable diseases. And it wasn't until I started working in the community, that I really started down that path of supporting families and seeing the people that took care of them at home. And I really enjoyed that aspect of nursing, I was really enjoying it and thriving in it. Once I started working in the community in home health, I just really never went back to the hospital. So I guess after several years, I found that that niche that we're that as nurses, I find we're always striving to find. So I certainly worked for many years in the community and in home health. And it was, it became challenging, I guess I was, I was an employee for a large organization. And I found myself really becoming quickly overwhelmed with the amount of work that was required, ended up spending more time on paperwork, and book work and managerial work, which was necessary and needed to be done. But my poll was always back the other way in the home, like really working closely with families and support and supporting not only them, but not only the patient, if you will, but their family members. And I just became really overburdened and overwhelmed, and didn't even realize that I was burning out. It was considered I guess, for a nurse, a good job. I had good hours, good pay, good benefits, a nice office. But the environment wasn't really a healthy one. And I wasn't healthy in it. One day I walked in, and they told me that I was no longer a good fit for the organization. And so I was terminated without cause. And it just left me reeling to be honest. I was devastated. I was embarrassed. I was overwhelmed. I was mad. I was sad. I really was in shock. And I didn't know like what am I going to do now. I was in my late 40s wasn't like I was a new grad anymore. And I didn't really know what it was I was going to do with the supplements, a lot of people, a lot of people, I was able to take the time to really heal and take care of myself and really come to terms with what had just happened to me. And I just sort of made a plan. For what I was going to do next, and it was when I was seeking some support from a girl I used to work with in the community. And she kind of reminded me of this idea that I had shared with her years before. And I was like, that's right. Like, I always thought that I would work independently and helping families and help them to navigate. We didn't really call it that, but and once she reminded me of that, I just never really turned back. But and it wasn't until actually, years later after that, I realized I was burned out, I was preparing a presentation on caregiver burnout. And I was looking at all the all the things like the frustration, irritability, the unexplained pain in my body, fatigue, General grumpiness, all this all the things that I was struggling with. And I realized I was burned out. And I didn't even know what at the time. And I think that's just so commonly happens, we just sort of pushed through, that really helped me in my healing. It really did, because it made me lean in and, and listen, and accept what it just happened to me. You know, I wasn't really looking at some of the life experiences that I'd had that far, like divorce, and losing my job as trauma. But I realized afterwards that it was and I needed to kind of I needed to heal, and I needed to allow myself to heal. So that's what I did. And, and I was just really open to learning a lot about how to do that. So carrying

Deb Timmerman  06:46

What I'm hearing is it was different than what you thought it was going to be.

Karen Lake  06:50

Well, I don't know, because I had been in a management role long before my my more recent post where I was terminated. So I certainly was aware of the responsibilities of the job. I just feel some organizations, and I don't think this organization was unique to it. And I certainly never speak poorly of the organization, I take full responsibility for what happened upon my own shoulders. But I just think companies sometimes want more, they want more, and they want more, and they tend to work, try to do more with less. And I just feel that there were a lot of responsibilities that I think was probably an unrealistic care load, especially for someone who at that point, like myself was pretty seasoned, pretty well experienced and seasoned in how to manage that type of work. But even I have my limits. And so when you don't have a healthy environment, you kind of get forgive the term but like kind of sucked into that Cyclone of, of a negative environment. And even though maybe I was the manager, I wasn't exempt from it. I was knee deep in it with everybody else. And unfortunately, I just think some work environments aren't as healthy as others. And I just was overwhelmed. And not really following. I think I stepped out of following what I needed to be doing. Now I recognize that day I walked in and I got terminated. It was a gift to me. And I can see that now at the time I was table flipping mad, don't get me wrong. I'm like, What do you mean? Like I'm, I'm the only one that knows what they're doing here. I felt like I was the star. But it wasn't until years later, after I was going through the course of healing and, and whatnot and developing my new practice and writing that presentation. That I was like, Holy smokes, that was a gift. You're right. I'm no longer a good fit here. Like I don't belong here. This is not the work I'm supposed to be doing. So thank you.

Deb Timmerman  09:08

What's the most common struggle you see in caregivers? 

Karen Lake  09:12

Probably guilt. I hear it a lot where caregivers will say they feel guilty. When I'm with Mom, I can't be with my kids and my husband. When I'm with my kids and my husband or with my friends doing something fun, then I'm not with my mom. And so you can never be everywhere doing everything because it's just not possible. Like Am I making the right decision? Am I doing the right thing by her? I shouldn't laugh or have too much fun because I'm diagnosis is is poor and she's struggling and she's in the hospital. I shouldn't be having fun or having lunch with my friend. It's those feelings of guilt that I hear so often. I call it the G word. It's guilt. It's overwhelm it fear okay. Am I doing the right thing? Am I ready to lose a parent, and it's not always just a parent child relationship, it can certainly be your spouse to guilt can weigh just as heavily there where you're in a, your marital, marital relationship, and maybe you're in the care physician caring for your spouse, and that can be really demanding and challenging. And, and again, all those feelings of Am I am i doing the right thing? Or should I be having dinner with my friend when I should be home with my husband, or maybe your feelings towards him have changed because he's not maybe due to dementia or some other debilitating disease, maybe they're just not the person that they once were to you. And so your feelings actually may have changed towards your spouse. So those feelings of guilt so I hear all the things like but I think if you were going to ask me as you did the most challenging one, I think, I think it's the guilt.

Deb Timmerman  10:58

So what's your best advice for managing and processing those feelings of guilt and moving that, obviously, if you get all caught up in that you can't be a very present and effective caregiver.

Karen Lake  11:12

I'm a firm believer, because it's what I had, again, what I had to do for myself was acknowledge it and accept it. Like, that's okay, that you feel guilty, that's okay, that you feel scared, that's okay. That you laugh. It's okay to acknowledge and accept whatever those feelings are, to not try to squash them, to not try to dismiss them. They are what they are. And I really feel that that's how we experience life is through our emotions. So to not acknowledge it and accept it as is really not, you know, living your true experience. But it really is a matter of being able to acknowledge it, to accept it, and to find positive ways to kind of work through this caregiving journey. That's probably a lot of where, like, a lot of the work that I do comes in, like, honestly, as much as my expertise and my experience in the community positions me Well, those aren't always the questions that the caregivers really want to talk about. I'm sure they want to know like how do you access a meal program? How do you access government services? How do you like I'm really lost? Like I don't know what would be best to support them? Like they definitely have questions about the system. But I find more than anything they they want to talk about you know how they manage this role? How do I manage this stress and overwhelming How do I get to sleep at night when I have all these thoughts going through my head and and they it's really the stress and overwhelm all those emotions that we talked about? are what really weighed heavily on on family caregivers. And so I tried to share with them some of the strategies that worked for me. But I always say you do you know, I do me, and what works for me might not work for you.

Deb Timmerman  13:27

So what are some of the strategies maybe give an example of one or two, please.

Karen Lake  13:33

Yeah. I like to try to share with people things that are reasonable that are achievable. To me, taking care of yourself, isn't necessarily going to a spa for the day. To me, it's really developing just daily habits, daily healthy habits, things that easily incorporate into your life. For example, myself, what I've learned, because I've learned what works for me because I'm doing me is my I don't get out of bed until I've done a few things. gratitude. I thank God for the gift of another day. I identify three things I'm grateful for. I identify three great things that could happen today. And then I identify three Im statements. I am safe, I am cared for I have everything I need. I am confident, whatever it might be that day. And then I have to do some jaw stretches because sometimes for me tension lives in my jaw. And so I have some jaw stretches that I that I do. And I take four deep breaths and then my feet hit the floor and then I stretch my back and then I get up and then I have coffee But I work that into my day. And I it takes maybe five minutes, maybe 10, depending on how I feel. But literally, I won't do it unless, until, like, I won't get up until I do it. And you know, some days, I don't feel like doing it. And if that's the case, then I just give myself enough grace to say, That's okay. I'll do it tomorrow, or I'll do it when I'm out on my walk, or I'll pick it back up, you know, later on in the day. So I just tried to fit those things into my day. Do I like going to the spa for the afternoon. Sure, that's wonderful. But that's not always achievable when you have caregiving responsibilities, right? Because it's just one more thing, I tried to frame it up for caregivers more like you have enough on your to do list, you don't need to be trying to fit in, you know, lunch with a friend trip to the spa pedicure. You know, a week long vacation, like those things may not be reachable for you, it just might not be doable. But try to find the things that you can do. You know, if if you're taking care of your husband, and you're on your last wit, you know, if you can step out onto the deck, close your eyes, breathe in for, you know, four deep breaths, you know, when you're in the kitchen, preparing a meal for somebody else, prepare something for yourself, fill up your water, jug, drink lots of water. These are, these aren't complicated strategies, but people just tend to forget them. Or to think that it has to be something really big to make a big impact. But what I found is that just daily healthy habits and routines are a lot more achievable. time outside water, like water for me really calms me. So if you can get in the water, on the water, near the water, drink your water. But I just tried to, like that's why we say you do you like what works for you like what brings you joy, do that, you know, because for someone meditating might be a great practice. That might not work for me, getting into a kayak for 10 minutes to decompress, really works for me. But that might not work for you. So it's just, that's those are the kinds of things I like to share with people to just sort of consider something maybe out of the box. Like maybe you've never tried deep breathing or box breathing or strategic breathing, whatever you want to call it. Maybe you've never tried meditation, maybe you've never tried whatever the strategy, but be open to trying something different. I love the expression, nothing changes, if nothing changes. So be open to it. You know, and I have to say like back, back when I used to be really skeptical of things like gratitude, something as simple as the practice of gratitude, I would have thought that was that's not going to work, that's not going to make a difference. And I I'm here to say how many years later, like five, six, since my process of healing has continued. It's huge. It's that's probably one of the biggest things for me. And here, I probably would have been one of the biggest skeptics so you have to be open, you have to be open to learning and trying something different. And the other thing that was a big one for me it's a big one for caregivers is learning to receive. We're really good at giving. We give probably too much sometimes we exceed our own boundaries. We don't even set boundaries sometimes. But to flip it and learn how to receive is huge that I know that was a big one for me and in my journey and in healing from burnout was learning to be open to new things to receive help. Ask for help even. And, yeah.

Barb Fletcher  19:44

You spoke about being in a kayak as being one of your one of your stress releases.  What's your favorite stress relief practice?

Karen Lake  19:55

Well, the kayaking is pretty up there. I don't Get to do it very often. But my gosh, when I do something kind of magical about it, it's just peaceful and on the water, and I've always been drawn to the water, I was raised on the water. Yet, water always brings me peaceful, good feelings, for sure. Gratitude has, like I mentioned has been huge. And I was always so skeptical of it. And now I actually look forward to it. And I have to say that the deep breathing has really helped me as well, because when I was in the throes of working in a difficult environment and slowly burning out not realizing it, I used to rely quite heavily on alcohol and anti anxiety medication to help me cope. Which is, you know, in hindsight, you know, I know, I knew, then I just as I know now as a nurse, that that's not healthy coping at all. But it was just one of those things, you know, that was the only way I could sleep. It was the only way I could get to sleep at night. But I found by doing some nice, easy strategic deep breathing when I wake up, which I still do, I mean, life still has stressors, and are still difficult days and situations. That I when I wake up, that I don't you know, I'm not reaching for a tablet, I'm not reaching for a sleeping pill. I'm just doing my deep breathing. And next thing I know I'm back to sleep. So that one's been huge for me. For sure.

Deb Timmerman  21:44

What would you say to the person who is caregiving? And says they don't have time to take care of themselves?

Karen Lake  21:56

Kind of like what I said before Deb, it was this working it into your day, because we all do have the same number of hours in the day, right? Like it's, it's, it's learning how to work something into your existing day. So like I explained, for me, it's before I get out of bed. So is there some practices that you can do before your feet ever hit the floor. Because as a caregiver with a lot of responsibility, you know, once you're up, you're going it depends maybe each caregiver, their journey, and expectations and responsibilities are different. But typically in our lives, once your feet hit the floor, they don't stop until you're exhausted at the end of the day and put your feet back up on bed. So I try to encourage people to develop healthy habits, strategies that they can just work into their day. You know, if you're heading to your mom's house to visit her, and you're really not sure what's going to be there at the other end, how you're going to find her Are you going to have a difficult conversation. You can do deep breathing right in your car. At the traffic light, you know, you can close your eyes for a minute, rest your eyes deep breathe, and continue on your journey. You know when you're out doing errands and pickups and waiting in the doctor's office, you can sit and close your eyes and deep breathe and meditate or listen to calming music with your person with you. Right like I realized some caregivers, they're there on 24. Seven, they can't leave their person. But you can sit quietly, you know if you have to, if you have to be that attentive to them, if they're sitting with you in the room. If music brings you joy, it may help calm them.

Deb Timmerman  23:52

The reality is they have to take time for themselves because as a caregiver, if not them, then who? And what if you keep doing the same or the thing like exhausting yourself. Eventually, you crash and burn. Whether that's being overwhelmed in your job or not being able to have good relationships. It's a challenge. Being a caregiver is a lot of responsibility, both physically and mentally. So, so thankful that you could join us today. If you're listening to the podcast and you're struggling as a caregiver, please reach out there are many, many strategies to share beyond what's been shared here today. And we want you to know that you can always reach out for support. There is a link in the podcast to get to Karen and to Barb and myself. You do not have to walk this journey alone. So with that, we'll close We thank you so much for being our guest today and wishing everyone a wonderful day. 

Karen Lake  25:09

Thank you