On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.
In this episode, Orsika Julia, the founder and CEO of Out of the Quicksand joins us to share her experience and wisdom of breaking the cycle of domestic violence.
After surviving domestic violence, and being trained by Jack Canfield, Orsika decided to combine her experience and training to create her business in which she guides other survivors out of the shame, blame, and guilt into a life of peace, forgiveness, and healing.
On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.
In this episode, Orsika Julia, the founder and CEO of Out of the Quicksand joins us to share her experience and wisdom of breaking the cycle of domestic violence.
After surviving domestic violence, and being trained by Jack Canfield, Orsika decided to combine her experience and training to create her business in which she guides other survivors out of the shame, blame, and guilt into a life of peace, forgiveness, and healing.
Tell us the highlights of your journey through domestic violence?
Orsika Julia:Well, I was very naive to think that domestic violence could never affect me because I was raised in an upper middle class home. And, you know, I'm smarter than that, because I'm educated. And there's no way that that would ever happen. And I was naive, and I was wrong. And it was, it was a harsh reality, to really admit that I had, that I was in a domestic violence situation. And it was very, I mean, I keep saying it was wrong of me to think that way. But I really, truly, innocently thought that domestic violence only happened at a certain socio economic level level. And domestic violence, doesn't care if you were whatever color, whatever socio economic level, whatever education gets out there, it's horrible. And it can happen to any of us. So I naively thought it would never happen to me. And I met a gentleman, I use that term loosely, I met another human shall we call him who, at the beginning of a relationship was sweet and swept me off my feet and got me flowers, and maybe breakfast and was great with the kids. And I ended up getting pregnant pretty early on in the relationship. And I was raised that if you get pregnant, you get married. So then I married them, didn't give myself permission, or nor had anybody else given me permission to not marry him, because that was the culture I was raised in. And so just a word of advice. Just because somebody gets you pregnant, or you get somebody pregnant doesn't mean you have to run out, marry them, just let's, let's put that on the table, right? Give yourself permission to not do that. And so, after I gave him our son, and my son, the abuse really started the the mental manipulation, and the gaslighting and emotional manipulation. And then, after four years, I went to vacation with the kids and myself, and he stayed home. And we went on vacation to a northern state, and we lived in the south at the time. And I came home. And basically I said, Hey, we need to fix our marriage. Until we fix our marriage, like, get connected on an emotional level. I'm not gonna give you anything physical. And he said, Well, if you don't give me anything physically, then we're not going to connect emotionally. And I said, Well, it looks like we're at a standstill. And he said, No, I'm gonna take what I want. And so within the week, he raped me and I said, No. So after the emotional, mental, spiritual, really, and financial abuse, the rape was the last straw. And I packed my stuff off my kids stuffing left a week later. So that's kind of a summary of what happened. So the turning point was really what you saw, was a physical assault. Yes. Yes. Because I was able to keep the facade that everything was okay. When it was just emotional manipulation and emotional abuse. I thought it was stronger than that. And when he so my brain functions very logically, more often than not, especially in a time of crisis. And so, this is going to sound really bizarre, but in the midst of the rave, I was like, okay, what's my next step? Like I was able to logically think of what my next steps were. And I knew that I needed to get out because if he was willing to do it, To me, the person that he promised to protect and love, then what is he going to do to my two daughters who are not his? Who are preteens? Like if he's if he's willing to rape me, what is he going to do to my daughters, and that just wasn't even an option. Like you can hurt me all you want was my thought process, then by the way that was wrong to you can hurt me all you want, but you touched my children. That's, that's gonna be problematic.
Barb Fletcher:So it's, it's interesting how when you take yourself out of the situation, and you talk about going on vacation, and that was the the interlude that you needed to see the contrast. And to really get clear as to, you know, what might have been happening, because when we're in this situation, it's hard to see how dysfunctional really is.
Deb Timmerman:And I would just add to that, I don't think it's bizarre or unusual that you, under stress, go to a place of disconnection, thinking about what your next steps are, because your brain is wired to help you survive. And that's what you do.
Orsika Julia:Absolutely, it was total dissociation. And I knew it as it was happening, which was kind of a neat thing, because I like figuring out how the brain works. So from that perspective, it was kind of a neat thing. But in the moment, obviously, it's not anything to be raped by your husband. And I say that with like a light heartedness. But it's because I've healed from it, right, because I've taken the steps to heal from it, it doesn't make the memory any more pleasant by any means. So yeah, that's very important to know that you can heal from traumatic situations, and you can talk about them without the tears, you know, you can talk about them and be like, this is the crud that happened, and we can we just work through it, and we move forward. And we live the life that we're coping with.
Deb Timmerman:So you're talking about this from the perspective of a woman. But before we have started the live, we were talking about who your clients are, and it's not just domestic violence against women, it's also perpetrated against men. Can you talk to that a little bit?
Orsika Julia:As I started this business, two years ago, almost January will be two years, I've come across more and more men who are actually coming out and confiding that they're getting emotionally manipulated and abused by their female partner. And I find it ironic how in today's day and age, with the acceptance of everything, and different people, you know, all the different options that we have as people, how they're still part of that mindset, that abuse only happens to women. And there's no way that a man can be abused. Well, there are women who throw punches, verbally, physically, you know, they just do and the man doesn't feel empowered to throw a punch back. Whereas if somebody were to punch me, I would punch them back, male or female, but we have that, right. Whereas if a man does that, then they automatically get sent to jail for assault, even if he's protecting himself. So it's been definitely an eye opener, to have these men come to me and say, Yes, I have been physically and emotionally abused by my partner. And there's nothing I can do about it, because then I'm in jail for assault, and I can't leave the family, because then she'll take out that same emotional, like physical abuse on the children. And so the man oftentimes has a bigger pressure because they feel like they're the buffer protecting the family, right? They, they are the protectors, whereas women could just grab the kids and go like I did. So it's a really different dichotomy. And it's a really different way of thinking. And I just, it was really eye opening, and inspiring to know that there are men who want to help as well. And they, they want to get past their abuse, and they want to heal for themselves and for their children. Because ultimately, right? If a child sees this, whether it's from mom or dad, they're either going to become the abuser or they're going to be the abused. Either way, not a valid option. So ultimately, that's something that parents should think about, like if I stay in this marriage, what am I teaching my children? Yes, you want to protect your children. But are you really protecting them? Or are you guiding them to a path of either one of those two options, neither of which is healthy.
Deb Timmerman:The domestic violence incidents statistics in the United States are absolutely unbelievable, and I'll share one. So on average, nearly 20 people per minute, are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million men and women. So what tools did you use to move yourself from victim to survivor? Because you're obviously talking and speaking in a survivor voice? How did you move through that?
Orsika Julia:I put my big girl panties on. Honestly, I wasn't going to sit in the muck of the quicksand. I wouldn't allow myself that luxury. And people might think it's not luxurious to sit there. But really it is because you can sit and be in victim mode, and do nothing. And woe is me, my life is so hard, but it doesn't have to be. So what I did was recognize that I was potentially going down the road of being a victim, instead of a survivor and a victor. And I just didn't want to do it. Because again, what is that teaching my three children, that we can just sit and do nothing when somebody hurts us? For we can put on our big girl panties, and move forward. So that's, that's what I did. I just, I wasn't willing to just sit idly by and let life pass me by questions. So an example of some of the victimhood mentality or what it looks like to sit in that quicksand. What would women what would be going through their mind? Well, yeah, first and foremost, I'm not worthy of a better life. This is my life that's been given to me. I can't do anything to change it. Nobody's going to love me, y'all seriously, I've been there. That's how I ended up with the abuser. I didn't think I was worthy of actual love. I didn't think because I was a single mom with two small kids who wants that, right? This was 10-15 years ago. So it was totally a different culture. It's it has thankfully changed. But at that point, I had such low self esteem, that I didn't realize that I was already in the victim mentality. And that's how the abuser got me. Right, because he showered me with gifts, and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, gifts, and somebody's paying attention to me. But I didn't understand the underlying narcissism that was there. And people throw that word around, but like, legitimately narcissism that was there. And so there's, there's that lack of self worth, that women and men are like, I'm, I'm just not good enough for anything. But this, this is how I was raised. Right. So I don't know any different. It's hard to get out, because I'm not going to have enough money. So I got out, but now, I'm this poor single mom, I get it. I've been there. Right? Because our cultureseems to advocate for if you're a single parent, then you must be at this lower socio economic level, and you're just gonna have to live on the system. And it's not true. I did, I lived on a system, y'all I have been there like I've been there. But the system is there to help us not to allow us to continue to be the victim. So watch your thought processes, right? It's so important to figure out what's going on in here. And if you hear yourself saying, Oh, I'm just never going to, well, if you think that way, then you're really never going to and you can change it with slight changes. Instead of I'm never going to you can even say, Well, I'd like to, even if I don't see it right now, you know, it doesn't have to be these big, drastic mindset shifts, the smallest little steps, those needlepoint movements will get you to understanding that you're worthy of the better life that you've actually been created to live not the crap that people are sending in.
Barb Fletcher:So so true! I think it's self esteem and and how we view ourselves, positions us to not only experience some of those difficulties, but also attract them into our lives as well.
Orsika Julia:100% Yes.
Deb Timmerman:So can you share some of the tools that you use? I know you took some Jack Canfield training, and other things. How did those tools help you? Obviously, you talked about mindset, but coming from where you were to where you are today. That's a lot of movement. Can you share some of those?
Orsika Julia:So a lot of movement and let me reassure you that this was not a quick happenstance. I didn't just climb over a boulder. Like we climbed mountains, like kaitou sized mountains to get to the point where I can openly talk about this and just lay out the facts and be able to know guide others to their place of healing. So honestly, I didn't even realize I had PTSD until five whole years after I got out of the abusive situation. I was On my way to church, and there was a trigger. And I Oh, how is it black and a half away from church? A black and a half? And, and if you all are Christian, you understand that God talks to us, right? Like, I often hear him talk to me without saying, I'm losing my mind. But like I, you know, he guides me, right? And so I was at church for almost a church and there was a trigger, and I had a major panic attack. And I was like, I can't go, I can't go. And I heard God's saying, You're coming to my house, come, come to my house. And you'll be okay. And I forced my way there and sat and was in almost tears, because I just realized that I had been living with PTSD for five years. And so then I went and sought counseling, because that's what the next logical step was to me. Right. So if there's a trigger, you don't know how to handle it, you go into panic mode, and he's super anxiety, then you seek counseling, so I won't answer your question. I sought counseling, I had the same issue amount of time. I started going on to a variety of personal development campuses. So jack Canfield, Stephen Covey, Tony Robbins,Tiffany Peterson, Lisa Nichols. I mean, just I just delved into everything, personal development, and there's so much on YouTube, like I didn't pay for anything, I youtubed hours, hours of personal development, self development. And then I started opening up to people. And I started learning to trust myself to trust people. And that's like how Deb and I met, right? It's like it was reluctant now just with Deb, but with anybody. Because how did I know that I wasn't gonna attract another narcissist into my life. And I just scared and moved forward. And then the jack Canfield thing was serendipitous and perfect. And I was sitting at one of his events that one of my friends gifted me to, and she and I went, and of course, I prayed about it for the previous three years, if I should get trained by him, and the answer was always No. And at the event, I was like, okay, God, do Am I am I supposed to be doing this training? And very clearly, it was like, Yes, this is the time to do the training. And so I went ahead and got trained by jack Canfield and his success principles. And that's really the basis of my course, and my coaching, because it has helped me so much in the past three years. And so it was just kind of serendipitously happened. So counseling for sure, reaching out and finding a community and it's okay, if your community shifts, and it's okay, if you feel as though you don't really trust people because you don't trust yourself. But just being around other people. And I still hesitate with that. If there's too many people like that I'm good. Because I don't want to be that vulnerable necessarily on an intimate level.
Deb Timmerman:It's interesting, our gut, and our intuition guides us. But when we get into these places where we get disconnected from who we truly are, that internal wisdom goes off, and what you just described was reconnecting with your heart and your internal guidance and your intuition. Absolutely. I think that's one of the key things for people to understand when that's off and that internal compass isn't guiding you. It's time to do a deeper dive and figure out why what's up.
Orsika Julia:Right, how we're designed to be I totally agree with that. And I wish somebody would have guided me to meditation and prayer sooner I'm I've always had a strong faith base like that's, that hasn't dwindled, even during the abuse, like I, I knew that I was going to get out of it one way or another. And just having that faith and having that community and having that trust in yourself, I really wish somebody would have reached out to me and said, Just sit with yourself for 10 minutes, you don't always have to go. But it's scary. When you're fresh out of the violence. It's scary to sit with yourself for 10 minutes, because you don't know if that faucet of tears is ever gonna stop once it starts, like you. I mean, I've had breakdowns in the shower and the closet in the kitchen in the middle of the night after I dropped my kids off, no shame breakdowns all day long. And so it was scary to be by myself because I didn't know what the faucet was going to turn off. And if I had that control, but now hindsight, of course, always 20/20 turn the faucet on people let it go. Because that's the only way you're going to clear and if you spend 10 minutes of quote unquote meditation time crying, and it turns out to be 20 minutes yours soul needs that, and that's the best way to healing is to allow yourself to just fall it out.
Barb Fletcher:what's what's really powerful about what you're sharing is, we often hear about, you know, to sort things out, it's about somebody else, somebody else needs to change or behave differently. And your whole journey was really about all of the steps that YOU took, as an individual, to ready yourself for whatever is to come next.
Orsika Julia:Yes, yes. And it is we, we cannot expect other people to make us happy. And I think so many people do that. Right. Like, oh, Deb's gonna make me happy today. Because I get to be on this podcast. Are you kidding me? I'm blessed and honored to be here. But if my entire existence is based on Devin Barbara, then I need to look at things internally. One, it's not realistic, to put that pressure on other people and to how would you feel if somebody put their happiness, the pressure of their happiness on your shoulders, it's not fair to the person, though, it's not fair to you to put that pressure on somebody else. And it sure isn't fair to the other person. So oftentimes, people are like, Oh, my kids make me happy. I understand I have three amazing humans, but my happiness isn't based on whether or not they accept me as their mother, or they love the choices that I make as I guide them through life. Right, because to put that pressure on them, I love them way more than put that pressure on them, that my happiness is based on, on their existence in my life. That's just not fair.
Barb Fletcher:You know, someone who once said to me that, you know, actually seeing you're proud of somebody else is has wobbles in it. Because it is not ours to be proud of them. That's, that's, you know, that's them. The end, and so, and you speak about the pressure. And that really is the pressure when we say to somebody, I'm proud of you, then we're giving up our power to somebody else, which we shouldn't do.
Orsika Julia:So how would we reward that? Was that suggested?
Barb Fletcher:No, I think you need to think about it. I think it's, you know, it's it might be, because proud is the emotion that were feeling. And so it's, you know, whether it's, you know, maybe we're excited for them. Maybe we're pleased, you know, it's something that proud, or Yeah, I think it's a bit tricky. But sorry to take us down a rabbit hole, but it was one thing.
Orsika Julia:I wonder if that's, that's something we really do have the right to do this be proud of somebody else? And by no means that I want to put you on the spot with that. But I'm intrigued, right? Because I find myself I apologize if I put you on the spot.
Deb Timmerman:Okay. So, these are real conversations to have, actually this kind of connection. And I love the questions. Yes. Just being able to explore and dive a little deeper is, I think this is such a gift. So I'm curious if someone's struggling to take action or move forward. And they're, I guess stuck is the word we use today? What's one piece of advice that you would give them?
Orsika Julia:You are worthy of moving forward people? You may not think so. Let me have that space for you. You are, and I get passionate about this. Sorry, I get all sorts of animated, because I didn't feel worthy. But you are worthy of moving forward, you are worthy. You've gotten out of your quicksand, you've gotten out of the abuse, right. So we're going to talk to those who are out of the abuse at this moment. So you've got none of the abuse, you've done the hard stuff. So now take I mean, you've you've literally conquered Everest, by leaving the abuse, you've done the hard stuff. So now it's just those small steps that you're worthy of taking. It's exhausting. It's a shame filled, it's guilt filled the journey to healing all of it. It's, it's depressing at times. It's anxiety ridden at times, you're gonna have panic attacks. But knowing that ahead of time, if you're listening, and you're at that point where you just get out, you will go through those emotions and you will be a far better human to serve others. Humans, when you have gone through those emotions, and you are worthy of that healing journey you are worthy of, of feeling those feelings and being true to yourself. Or you can just hang out in the muck. You know, it's your choice. But you're worthy.
Deb Timmerman:There's that C word ..... CHOICE.
Orsika Julia:And it's a daily choice. And there are days when you don't want to choose to be worthy. And there are days when you don't believe you're worthy. And there are days when you just want to sit in the crowd, and just cry. So do it. But then make the choice to stop doing.
Deb Timmerman:So our mission with this podcast is to really inspire you to take action. Don't sit in the quicksand don't sit in the muck, don't sit into the stress. We really hope that Orsika sharing her story here today was inspiring to you or someone you know. Orsika, if people want to reach out to you and contact you and learn more about what you do, where do they find you.
Orsika Julia:So out of the quicksand.com and that website is getting updated. But you know, it's a it's an okay website right now, but out of the quicksand.com, you can email me at support@outofthequicksand.com. And I believe that in the show notes, all my links, my social links will be there. So anything out of the quicksand, you'll be able to get a hold of me. And yeah, just reach out if you're in an abusive situation. And you just need a little extra love and a little extra passion that you're worthy of actually getting out of the situation. please reach out to me, like I will hold your hand and let you know that there are resources because there's plenty of resources to help you get out.
Deb Timmerman:Thank you so much for being our guest today. I inspired by the work that you do. And I hope that our conversation today has inspired you to take action to move from being stressed to being your best, and we'll see you next time.