This episode features Kate Wendell, co-founder of Family OS. Kate and husband Tanner are helping to build strong marriages as the foundation for successful families, communities, and cultures.
Kate romanticized married life and motherhood, thinking it was going to be a fairytale-like experience. The chaos of balancing a radio broadcasting career, two babies, a stepdaughter and marriage were an emotional rollercoaster. So, Kate decided she could either crumble or embrace it, and uses her experiences and training to help others to Curb the Chaos. Listen as Kate describes the transition from career woman to mother and entrepreneur and shares her take on living the dream.
This episode features Kate Wendell, co-founder of Family OS. Kate and husband Tanner are helping to build strong marriages as the foundation for successful families, communities, and cultures.
Kate romanticized married life and motherhood, thinking it was going to be a fairytale-like experience. The chaos of balancing a radio broadcasting career, two babies, a stepdaughter and marriage were an emotional rollercoaster. So, Kate decided she could either crumble or embrace it, and uses her experiences and training to help others to Curb the Chaos. Listen as Kate describes the transition from career woman to mother and entrepreneur and shares her take on living the dream.
Deb Timmerman 0:01
You're listening to less stress in life. With hosts, Deb Timmerman and Barb Fletcher, we believe life with less stress and more energy is possible with the right tools, strategies and knowledge. So we bring your real conversations around the stress of relationships, money, and the daily hassles of life, with guests that will inspire, challenge, entertain, and motivate you to take action. Today's guest is Kate Wendell. She's the co founder with her husband, Tanner, My Family OS. She is a wife, mom, entrepreneur, and their mission is to build strong marriages, as the foundation for successful families, communities and cultures. Welcome, Kate. So happy you're here with me today.
Kate Wendell 0:48
Thank you so much for having me. Deb, I am excited for the conversation.
Deb Timmerman 0:52
We have had quite a change over the past few years from what you planned your life to be to what it is. Tell our listeners a little bit more about your background, and what led you to come up with this concept of family OS.
Kate Wendell 1:07
I'll start very briefly that my childhood dream was to be a mom, I wanted to just be a mom, I wanted to have my family, get married, have this beautiful wedding and raise kids. And so when adults would ask me, What do you want to be when you grow up, Kate? And I said, I want to be a mom. Like that was what my answer was. And I didn't want a career I didn't I'm like, you know, if I've got work to help bring in a little money, I'll have a part time job when the kids are in school. But like, that's how I saw it. And that really was what my mom did. And so that was what I wanted to emulate. And as I got older, and I went through college, I discovered radio and public speaking and just various forms of broadcasting, I really started to fall in love with that. And in fact, while I was in college, I was dating a guy who proposed I got I got engaged, I said yes. And about six months into the engagement, I realized I want this for all the wrong reasons. And so I broke that off and continued on with working I'm like, Well, now I'm I've graduated college, I've got to work. And what that led was down a path of building my career, something that I said, I never really wanted, and falling for the guys that weren't going to provide what I was looking for what I ultimately wanted in my heart, because I so badly wanted it. And so I was seeking it out and people who weren't going to be able to deliver, I did, I spent 20 years, so just over 20 years in radio, that was my career. And for most of it, I was never happy or satisfied with it. Because I'm like, I never wanted a career. I'm doing it because I have to work and I'm an adult. But I really just want to be a mom, I'll give up my career in a heartbeat for the right guy and start my family. And it really wasn't until I got to a place I was the last boyfriend, I had told me over and over again that he was going to marry me and that this was where we were going to go. And he didn't he didn't fulfill on that. And three and a half years into the relationship. I'm like, I'm out. I'm late 30s at this point, and I want to still be able to have children. And I don't need to date for the sake of dating. And so I made choices. That gave me a different result. And I think you're this Einstein saying all the time of, you know, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. And we sort of just like hear it, and it goes in one ear and out the other. But the reality is that's true. We as a society do the same things over and over again, expecting a different result. And sometimes I still catch myself doing that. And so I had to stop and say, Okay, what am I doing that isn't working? I'm the one who's in control of that. If I don't like what my life looks like, then I am the one that can make the change. So what am I going to do about it? And so I started to accept where I was, I was like, Okay, here's where I'm at, I'm here for a reason, I made choices, and this is my life. And I'm going to be okay with it in a exacting way. And then say, here's what I don't want to continue, and what decisions can I make to make it different. And so I chose to create a business online so that I could earn more income, which was actually part of what got me to break up with that boyfriend because he always said it was money that was keeping us from getting married and I'm like, cool, then I'll go and help solve that problem. And so I went to go make money. And sure enough, I walked in, you know, starting this business, I'm like this is either going to solve the problem and we're gonna get married or it's going to help me through a breakup and it helped me through a breakup. So that's what I did and I put the energy into building an online business. And I had my radio career. And so I was just working and putting myself around people who wanted more in life who wanted to live at a higher standard. And that was the thing that I was missing in my radio career and the people I was surrounding myself in that career, they sort of were okay with the status quo. And I'm like, I'm not okay with the status quo. So that was really the first major decision I made. And because of that, it led me to an event that I was just going to, to think, like, okay, it's going to help with my radio career, it's going to help with my online business, like, I'm going to meet a few people. And that's where I met my future husband, because he was in a place where he wanted to better himself and live at a higher standard. And through that three day weekend event, we really didn't talk to each other. I mean, we saw each other from a distance. But it wasn't until after the event that because we we chose to continue working with this mentor, Bo Easton is our mentor, and we still work with them today. Because we chose to continue to work with him. And our group stayed connected. We ended up talking online and getting to know each other and becoming friends and ultimately led to love and marriage. And so now, I'm getting married over 40. So I got married at 41. I had my next kid at 4244. I had my next kid, and I'm about to celebrate my 46th birthday. And my life did not turn out the way I expected. And I'll just add one more thing to that story is that for so long, my criteria for my Mr. Right was that he had to be a Christian. And he and particularly a Catholic, because I'm a Catholic, and he couldn't be divorced, and he couldn't have kids. And I thought like, Well, you know, if he's divorced, then there's something wrong with him. And I had all these stipulations that as I got older, I'm like, Well, I think I need to start to relax these things a little bit, because I'm hitting 40 here, and I'm not married. And so I did. And I came up with sort of these non negotiables, these things that were just foundational for my future, but still had room for compromise room for who this other individual was going to be. And so glad I did that, because Tanner, was not Christian, let alone Catholic, he is divorced, he has a child, and had all the things that I said I didn't want. But we we all we had foundational pieces that allowed us to be in sync for our marriage and our future. And that's what we built our marriage and our family off of. And so because of that, and and just having those similar goals and foundational pieces, we knew that we wanted to continue doing online work and building our entrepreneurial business, even though we still had our you know, full time corporate jobs. And actually, because of COVID we we took the plunge last year and said you know what, we're giving up our full time jobs. And we're going to do this full time because we know how important family is we know what divorce does, and how it still affects us. Right? I mean, what it did to to them at the time of the divorce and his daughter, but how it's also affecting us now. We don't want that for families if we can avoid it. And just knowing that family family Oh s meaning family operating system, we're living off of old operating systems that aren't necessarily working for our family, our current family. And so how can we just sort of look at making some updates, and creating a new future changing the trajectory of our life? You know, and so that's and that's where we are,
Deb Timmerman 8:40
You both had similar values and similar desires, even though everything wasn't in that perfect Mr. Right package. How did you make the shift from coming from your two different background, and Tanner's background is very different than yours,
Kate Wendell 8:59
So, yes, our family upbringing, everything.
Deb Timmerman 9:02
So how did you make that switch to becoming a couple and figuring out what those values were and how you were going to implant them into the family that you've become?
Kate Wendell 9:16
Well, I'll say the first thing was, and still it's not easy. It's I mean, it is work it is work and it is effort. And it's it's a conscious effort to make those values work within a new family that that we're creating. And I think that's the first step because most people when it when it requires a lot of work and effort and heartache and tears, people give up and then that's when you know divorce becomes an option. And so the first thing off the bat was like divorce is not an option for us. You know, he's been down that road before. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and do not want to get divorced, it's really why I didn't get married all those years because I'm like, Well, I couldn't marry that guy, but like, you know, or this guy, and I'm like, No, this is too important to just take it lightly. So. So I think that's the first thing is recognizing that when you have something that you care about, you fight for it, you fight for it, you work for it, and you don't give up. I think the other part is having clarity. Talk about it in business all the time, any, any successful business is very clear about who their target market is, you know, who they're who they're serving, who their demographic is, we hear that all the time in business, and what numbers they want to make and the goal for the year and the quarter and whatnot. So every successful business does that. But we don't think about that when it comes to our family. And so, Terry, and I talk about what is it that we want as a family? And what do we want, that was from our family of origin, and What don't we want, it's okay, to take things away from our family origin that aren't working for our current family, it is okay to do that. You take what works for your new family, and what and takeaway, what doesn't. And so 10, and I just continue to talk about that and say, and that was really, when I mentioned the non negotiables that I had, prior to meeting Tanner, he did the same, it was kind of interesting, we both had these sort of non negotiables, about our next partner in life, before we even met each other. And I don't think people do that they get caught up in the emotions and the physical. And it's, you're really doing yourself a disservice if you go from one relationship to the next and wonder why it's playing out the same way? Well, you know, we're going back to that insanity thing, because you have to look at what is it that I truly want, what is most important to me, that is foundational to a relationship and a family communication and how we were going to talk to each other was one of them for each of us. So we knew going into this marriage, that we were going to talk through stuff, and figure out how that looked. So that even when it was a hard conversation, we were going to have it anyway. And so that's what we do, it sucks. It's not really an easy, you know, at times or the tension builds up, and we have some distance, but we don't let too much time go by. And it's really hard to learn more than 24 hours go by, at least for the two of us. I know not every relationship is like that. But that's what we do. We say, okay, we're going to talk through this, even if this is hard, even if we're upset with each other, even if we feelings that are heard, or whatever's going on, or we don't agree. And then we've got to figure out how we are going to agree and move forward, we've chosen to do that. So I think that's those are sort of the main things that help us blend this all together is like, we're going to focus on what it is that we want for our family. And we're going to communicate that. And then make sure that our actions on a daily basis or regular basis, are in alignment with what we say we want. And it's not always easy. I mean, we sometimes fall short. But that's what we strive for.
Deb Timmerman 13:13
Yeah, I just have two comments. I don't think couples, no matter what their age is, when they're getting to relationship, take time to understand those views, and to figure out what they're going to do together to work. I'm one of those people who said I was never getting marrie, and I am for the second time. Totally different from my first marriage, very much the same kind of values, commitment, talking, don't always agree, but always come to consensus. And each person at some point, willingness to come up with an agreement that works for both people. And some of those conversations aren't happening before people get married. So as a as a stress coach, I see women and men who exit those relationships very early, and they're still having hard conversations after, but rather than on the relationship, it's how to split up the assets, and who's going to take care of the kids. So whether you choose to have those conversations or not, whether they're to work on your marriage, or you're going to dissolve something, they're all hard, so choose where you're going to put those efforts.
Unknown Speaker 14:35
Yeah, and, you know, part of the the Catholic faith is that you do something that you know, like marriage prep, like you do a weekend or you know, it's usually over a course whether it's in the evenings are over weekend, but you know, they call it Pre-Cana. And most religions don't necessarily have this and let alone even if there was some kind of secular version of it, you know, no, no faith involved. But think it's so valuable for Tanner to agree to do this pre kaina with me, knowing that this was this was important because I wanted to be married in the Catholic Church, he, he was a little I mean, he was a little reluctant, not super excited about doing it, but he's like, Okay, I'm into personal development, so I'll just take it as a personal development weekend. But afterwards, he walked away, and he was like, God, man, if I had this before I got married the first time, I probably wouldn't have married her, you know, and, and think of all the marriages that could either be saved or not happen and go through that stress. If they took the time to do something in the beginning, you know, some kind of marriage prep, having those hard conversations, and talking about what our expectations are of marriage and family. Because here's the thing that we've also recognized with the couples we've coached and and you know, who we've worked with, is, there are a lot of unspoken expectations in relationships. Right? And right, and I'm guilty of it, I'm, because here's, and some of it, we're doing it unconsciously. And in many cases, we're doing it unconsciously, because we're raised a certain way. And so we think that this is what's normal. And so my husband coming from a, like a 90% divorce rate in his family and having sort of more of this dysfunction within his house. I come from a family where my parents are now married, you know, coming up on 54 years of marriage, right. 55 now, um, and, you know, together, we had a close family, various, you know, faith builds family, and you know, like, it was just, it was great. Like, we were kind of like, pegged as the beaver cleaver family when I was growing up, right, so and so we had very different upbringings. So we both have in our, in our minds, and our subconscious, what we think is just normal. And so when someone comes in, and we're trying to blend lives, we're thinking, why does he do this? or Why doesn't she do that? or Why? Why would he do you know, and like, we're not understanding, because we've come from different backgrounds. And so there are these unspoken expectations. And because we just assume that this is how everyone operates. And that's where we have to be better at communicating what is going on. And I know, that's easier said than done. And sometimes our communication skills actually need some work as well to be able to deliver what we want to say in a, in a calm way. And, you know, a loving way away where we're looking for resolution or insight, you know, and so sometimes we have to work on that too. But, but that's what I've, I've really found and Tanner and I have gone through that where there's just been and expect our unspoken expectations. And we're like, okay, let's back it up a little bit and realize, like, where this is coming from, and let's get to the root of what's going on so that we can actually be clear together for our marriage and our family. Your household. Yeah, so there's three now currently, we have her full time. That's a whole other story with the dynamic with her mom, but but yes, currently, we have all three, and a puppy.
Deb Timmerman 18:23
Ah, behind a mic and life as a mom are polar opposites?
Kate Wendell 18:30
Ah, Yes!
Deb Timmerman 18:31
Yes, crazy.
Unknown Speaker 18:32
Yeah, I've really, I've been having a hard time with, um, you know, how I lived as a single professional, in, you know, New York City in my apartment. You know, it's 500 square feet, everything's organized. Everything has a place like I've minimal stuff, you know, I create my schedule, I know what my day looks like, I get to choose this way, that way. And to then come in to instantly you know, being married and being a stepmom. And then you know, getting pregnant right away and hormonal. And like I said, my, you know, my family is halfway across the country so, and friends like so I didn't have it. I didn't know anyone in Colorado when I moved here. And, uh, you know, Tanner was my person. He was my support system. And that first year of marriage, we were at odds a lot, the dynamic with him and his daughter I was not happy with and that what that relationship look like. And I mean, there's just yeah, there's just a lot going on. So I still to this day, need to continue to work on realizing I've got small children. And so my house is not going to always look super neat and tidy, and kids are not going to pick up after themselves. And, you know, and we continue to teach them and some days they get in some days they don't and yeah, I mean, just adjusting To like having five people's schedules versus one person schedule, seeing how 10 are operates and how he would run his house, versus how I would run my house, you know, and the various that, like, we just, I mean, in some ways, Tanner and I are so opposite on like, God, how do we actually do this, but, but we do, you know, we figured out we recognize, like, where our strengths are and where our weaknesses are. And then we work together, like, marriage is a team sport, it's not this win or lose, it's not a tit for tat, well, you did this, and I did that. And I do more of this, like, We're on the same team. So it's like, Hey, you know, like, let's work together for the betterment of our marriage and family. If that means this week, I have to do more of this, and you do more of that, okay, then does that switch? Or maybe we just know that I'm better at this. So I'll do this more often. And, you know, he'll do more of something else, because that's what he's better at. Right? So that's okay. You know, like, that's what just helps make it work. So, it's, um, I mean, it's a constant work in progress. And we're only a few years into marriage. So you know, I don't know what it's gonna be like 1020 years from now, I hope some of the things that drive me nuts right now will be a little bit more dialed by then. But you know, you got to just you got to take one day at a time and know that it's it's progress, right, things don't change overnight. And so we just need to just keep working and making progress.
Deb Timmerman 21:32
One of the things that I have loved about watching you, and Tanner work is that so honest about when life is a struggle, and you celebrate the joys. So many times we have people in our lives that we look to coach us, and they profess that everything's perfect, and it's all good. And that's such a fallacy, because life is always going to be full of ups and downs. There will be things that we have to negotiate, and we have to learn how to plan for that. And, that's one of the things that you and Tanner have been doing, right? You're using your own struggles in your journey, and your new way of operating to help train and motivate other people to invest in their families and do things differently. So you have been doing that in the form of kind of down and dirty challenges, right, like five days? Can you talk about that a little bit?
Kate Wendell 22:33
Yeah, so we, yeah, we like to run these these free challenges where we can bring in currently, we're working with the wives and the moms, where we can, we can really help them see, like, the big picture of what's going on, and focusing on, like, what they can control what is in their control, that they can basically make their life a little easier. And because here's the thing, the chaos of life, the the the, the unhappy parts of life, like they're gonna still happen, right? Life is not guaranteed to be happy. And without tragedy, or suffering or heartbreak, or whatever kind of pain that might come into life. Like we're we are not guaranteed that these things will never exist. But what we can control is how we show up in those situations. And there's a really big difference between a response and a reaction. And I don't know that people talk about it enough. And when we react, it's because we're emotionally charged. And we're our feelings are, you know, at a at a certain height. And, and something specifically like we're triggered, right? We're like, something's going off in us, that setting us off to just react in a way that if we were a bit calmer, we could take a step back and say, okay, really what is happening here? What's going on? How could I respond to this? How can I actually come into this situation with some kind of response that I would be more proud of? Right? A lot of times when we react we're not, we feel like we're not happy with how that reaction went down, or the words that were said and so. So that's what we do in the challenge. I guide moms in how they can start to bring in that sense of calm, how they can actually control their emotions lower their emotional temperature, and it could it could be, you know, the frustrations or how they react to the overwhelm of, you know, working and home life and that balance or how they're handling their kids. I mean, we're yelling Add our kids, because they're not doing what we asked them to do. And so we're, and, look, I mean, kids are their own person, right that no one likes being told what to do. So whether you're an adult or a kid, so one, we've got to find another way to approach that situation for your, you know, your particular child. But the thing that I don't think parents necessarily get is, our kids are a reflection of us. And so if we don't want our kids yelling, and yelling back and whatnot, like, then we can't yell at them either, right? So, you know, we, if we're yelling at them, we're teaching them that that's an okay behavior, and so how to be able to lower our own emotional temperature so that we can respond in a calmer way with our children with our husband, or you know, our spouse, and, and show up in just a more controlled manner. And so we, we dive into how to create that calm and understand needs, wants and desires. And like where this is all coming from, kind of get, we get a little bit deeper into, like, you know, what's really running us like what's below the waterline kind of thing. Because a lot of these things that we're doing, you know, our actions or words are coming from learned behavior. And we don't even realize that that's happening. And, you know, just this is how I am, this is how I react and, and so we kind of, we get into that a bit, one through our challenge, and then also through our course, we dive into it a little bit deeper. So. So just understanding that and then being able to restore ourselves, right, because we do have, we do have to take care of ourselves, as a mother and a wife, like we have to put ourselves first. And if we're not doing that, then it's really hard to show up well For everyone else, but it's also about restoring those relationships, right, you know, if we're in a marriage that isn't, isn't going well, or we're not connected, or maybe we're really battling with our children right now, how to be able to restore and understand their needs and wants and desires, so that you can better sync up and get connected. And, and just ultimately, creating that balance. And although I say balance, I, I don't actually think balance exists in life. You know, ever everyone says, you know, just get balanced in life. And I'm like, yeah, balanced doesn't really exist. But what I what what I do recognize when it comes to balance is realizing, acknowledging what is most important in your life and know that whatever season of life you're in, right now, one thing is going to take that priority over some of the other things that are going on. Not that all of them are unimportant, but that there's always going to be that thing that's most important. Whether it's around work, or home life, or family, or marriage or health, nutrition, there's always one thing, maybe two things that are just the most important, and that's okay, you still I helped teach moms how to still be able to take care of the other things. But know that it's okay, that one thing might take priority over another and fight. And that's how we find the balance. Because the chaos is always going to still be there. It's just how you, you can work it. And then a year from now, something else is gonna be the big priority and the main focus, and then that's okay, right, but just understanding how to how to balance those things
Deb Timmerman 28:31
I have been in one of your in your last challenge and the skills, that you are teaching the awareness that you're bringing very concrete, very usable, very small things that are not overwhelming. Many times people will say, I don't know how I can do one more thing, but you get time back, if they do the things that you suggest, if our listeners are interested in hopping into your challenge, how do they do that?
Kate Wendell 29:00
Sure, the site is curb the chaos now.com. And we've got a challenge coming up at the end of June. So you could just go to Yeah, the website, curb the chaos now dot com and register, and then we'll get an email out with all the details. We do run that in Facebook, we can we can also continue to work together if that's an option. And we are building a community for moms right now, outside of Facebook, which I love. So we're putting all of those things in place that, you know, this summer, we can have a launch for that. Because I mean one a lot of people just want to get off Facebook. And so that's and when you get on there, then you end up focusing on something else than what you really, really want. Right and that's their job, right? That's the Facebook job. But we we want you to be really focused on being around a community of women who are in the same place as you, you know, going through the same things and being able to have tools and resources and things that they can implement and learn for their life. So we're building that as well. And that'll be ready this summer. And it'll be off Facebook, which will be great.
Deb Timmerman 30:15
all important to happen. As we wrap up, share with our listeners, your favorite stress relief tip, what's the one go to for you?
Kate Wendell 30:25
Getting up before the rest of the house does. I think it's the most important thing to do. And for everyone, it'll be different in what you do during that time, I would say some of the common things that are really helpful to have that quiet time one is that it's quiet, right? Because there's so much noise in the world between the emails and the dings, and dongs from your phone and phone calls and kids and running here and the music that's in the car, the movie that's playing or like, I mean, our house is so loud, when all the kids are up and stuff is going on in the crying Right, so the dogs barking. So to have quiet time, like give yourself some quiet time, and to take time to breathe like breathe breath work. And this is something that we talked about as well. And the challenge is breath work to that is like the number one thing that you can do to lower your emotional temperature and to be able to go in and we have all these transitions throughout the day, right we go from waking up to getting kids ready to go into work to then picking them up and but like dinnertime, like there's always a transition in life one meeting to the next meeting. And if you could stop and give yourself three big breaths, deep breaths where like, your belly expands as on the inhale. And then it goes you know, belly to spine as you exhale, like proper breaths, then you can start to lower your emotional temperature, right and show up better for the next thing that you have on your plate. So I like to do that in the morning, I one I'm waking up before the rest of the house does, I take big breaths, I use the Five Minute Journal, but you can just any, you know, really anything of writing down what you're grateful for, like practicing gratitude, it's really hard to be unhappy and miserable and pissed off. And practice gratitude at the same time. So if you can start practicing the gratitude, and focusing on those things that are are, you know, that you're grateful for, and I will even practice gratitude for the things that are really challenging and that I don't like right now. Because I know it's here to teach me something. And it helps me to not get all that like the story stuck in my head of like, well, she did that. And this is going on and bla bla bla bla you know, like, instead of it helps me to be like, okay, I appreciate this challenge that's in my in my life right now. Because it's teaching me something What can I do to improve, right? So I practice gratitude. And then I and then I pray. My husband likes to meditate. He's more of a meditating kind of guy uses apps and different things. But I like to pray I have various prayers that I like to do on a on a daily basis for my family, for life for the country, like all different things like that, that just helped me stay focused on God and, and keep him present in in my day. So those are just a couple of things that I do in the morning, I just a little side note on that is exercise, like take care of your body, even if it's getting just getting out to walk, a movement creates momentum and energy, those endorphins that we need to think more positively. So if you're feeling like you're stuck, and you're you know, you're depressed, or you've got a lot of negative thoughts, which most people do, it's really it's, it's sort of by nature, we go to the negative side, which is unfortunate. But if you start moving your body, it will release the endorphins for you to start thinking more positively.
Deb Timmerman 34:04
I'm a big morning practice proponent. I think I did that when my kids were younger. And it was what gave me my sanity. Yeah, was maybe the only quiet moments that you get in the day. Thank you so much for sharing your story, your background for what you're doing. You also have a website called Kate and Tanner dot com, correct?
Kate Wendell 34:26
Yeah, k intentar.com. And then my family, OS dot com, were built building everything up there. And so they might, you know, link to something else. But we're pretty much building and creating this community and this, this place for families to come to so just continue to stay with us and follow us and we'll love to have you on the journey. And we will happily share your work. Thanks. Thank you for being with me today.
Oh, thank you. It was great to have the conversation with you, Deb. Thanks.
Deb Timmerman 35:04
less stress in life is possible. If you're new to this kind of thinking and would like to explore what's possible for you, we'd love to connect. You can reach us through our website at less stress in life.com. That's less stress in life.com